"We're Just Friends"

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AMDG


I remember one day sitting with a couple married ladies, one in her forties, another in her sixties; who heard me mention a friend of mine who was a man. "Ooooooh!" They cried, "Tell us about him."

I did not know what they wanted to know about him particularly, but I became gradually aware that they were looking for some juicy gossip from me of a romantic nature.

"We are just friends!" I exclaimed.

"There is no such thing," Was the laconic reply.

But I was perfectly sincere. There were several young men that I spoke with almost every day at college (ah happy days!) about classes, about philosophy, theology, classics, etc. who would dance with me at dances, who I would go out with on "group dates". There was one young man in particular, who followed me around and would talk to me as if there was nobody else in the world he had conversed with in years.

"You must have a romantic interest in one of them at least. And they must have romantic interest in you." The matrons said.

"No!" I protested, "That does not follow logically. A lot of these men are dating my friends! Others are the guy friends of the men my friends are dating. They are just being friendly and sociable in a group setting."

"Oh all right,"they conceded "but that man who follows you around, who is not in your crowd. He is interested in you!"

"No, he is not. He and I have both agreed that we are just friends!"

So it went on. I brought up exapmless of great platonic/ spiritual friendships in history.

There is Sancta Teresa de Avila and San Juan de la Cruz, who were very close friends and both celibate Carmelite Consecrated Religious. There was St. Margaret Mary Alaqouque and St. Claude de la Colombiere, who were also close friends and spiritual directors of each other. I was certain that there were many other confessors and spiritual directors and religious who loved each other like brother and sister. But I could not think of any married couples that I knew who were close friends with somebody else of the opposite sex, at the time.

But I did not want to believe that the ladies had any sense to their argument. I went back to my life at that college, and lived my life as before. But the doubt nagged in my mind that maybe they were right. So I always made a point with every fellow who followed me around (not that their were hoards of them or anything, just two or three at different points) that he understood that I was only interested in being friends with him.

Looking back, it is rather comical, the efforts that I made to "just be friends" with those men who kept asking me to spend more and more time with them yet insisting that this "was not a date". I was completely honest, and it never crossed my mind that these men, whom I was always so innocent and earnest with, believed that I was lying as much as they were.

Because I do not tell lies. I was an honest little girl then, and I am an honest young woman now. These fellows were not neccessarily being purposefully decietful either. They were not trying play games, per se, they were just fooling themselves. Perhaps they were as naive as I was.

The truth is, ladies and gentlemen. Ladies are not gentlemen. One of the major differences between men and women is that women are not as easily swayed by the physical as men. Women can sit down next to a man talking for two hours without the thought of kissing the fellow ever even crossing their minds. Some of you men might claim that you can do that too. If you can, you are lucky. But for a vast number of men, they are very easily distracted by a woman's beauty or they are hardwired to be on the lookout for that beauty. Women do not constantly need to be reminded to look into a persons' eyes instead of "staring at their mouth and trying to imagine what she looks like naked" (Hitch). Because women love to talk. They love to express what is inside them to anybody that will listen. They are naturally curious about most people. If you are alive, there is some woman somewhere who wants to find out things about your personal life, because it is interesting.

I let aforementioned man #1 talk to me constantly and follow me around because I knew that he had almost no friends at the time in that place and he wanted somebody to listen to him. Also, I guessed that he wanted a woman to talk to. I did not merely feel sorry for him though. His thoughts and subjects of interest were very interesting. So I listened because I usually liked to listen to what he had to say. There was nothing romantic or sexual about it on my side. And though his occasioanl attempts at flirtation were flattering, they were completely one-sided.

I could not understand why I had to constantly tell gossips and friends alike that man #1 and I were not dating. After all, he kept saying that he was never going to date anybody and it was just as unlikely to him that he would ever get married. (Just as a side note: Ladies, if a man says to you that he is never going to get married to or date you, you should believe him!)

Besides, I knew that I was not attracted to him in that way. I did have a deep and true sisterly affection for him, though. But still, little by little, the nagging doubt that maybe he did have some sort of romantic interest in me was clamoring. By the time it came to a peak, I was transferring to another college in another state.

It was only years later that I was reunited with my brotherly friend. He confessed that he had not known himself very well at all. He had been so determined not to fall in love with me, and kept repressing any romantic inclination. He had been afraid to express him true feelings and afraid to let himself have any romantic interest. But despite his efforts to ruin his own happiness and crush his heart, he had been silently growing more and more attracted to me. But he knew that I was not interested in him in that way so he just passively let me talk to him and kept hanging around me. (Guys: This is not how to handle the situation. I will post why later.)

By the time he had finally got up the courage to ask me out, he found out that I had to leave the college, and reliquished the idea. At the time he confessed this to me, we had not seen each other in four years. We had both grown and changed. Somehow, he had never forgotten me and when he found me, he kept contact with me and kept calling and calling. (Ladies, take note: If you are worth a phone call to a guy, HE WILL CALL! If he has not called, then he will not call.) Now things were changing. His affection and attraction for me had deepened. My sisterly affection for him was changing into a different kind of regard. (The rest of this story is for another day.)

In the years between my being reunited with Friend # 1 (who turned out to be more than "just a friend") there were guyfriends # 2 and # 3.

Friend #2 was like the other, very interesting and seemed to enjoy having a woman to talk to and listen to him. I am a fairly good listener. That means that people feel safe just coming up and talking to me. It is a gift, but you have to be careful. I loved having a man to talk to too. Because at this new college, I had to make new friends and as a transfer student (either a "Sophman" or a "Freshmore") I did not immediately fit into any "crowd". I needed friends, so I befriended him. Also, I loved talking to men. I LOVE men!
I did not ever intend to date him though. I was not attracted to him in that way. I loved his chats about history and dogma. He was interesting and intelligent, and I suppose there are many women who would have found him attractive. But there was no spark. We sat together constantly in the cafeteria, we studied together, he asked me to dance most at every dance, we would go down to the river camfire every weekend, pray the rosary together. Then I wondered why I had to keep telling my few close bffs that I was not dating this guy. It took me a year to discover that the fellow was not really my friend. He really had no real brotherlike or otherwise love for me at all. Or not much. It was only when we had ended our friendship that one of his close guy friends confided that my wayward "friend" had "liked me" i.e. romantically. But regardless of whether or not the young man had fooled himself into thinking that he was romantically infatuated with me, he did not have the guts to act upon them. So how much could he have cared, really?

By the time I had met fellow #3 I had wised up (finally!) enough to recognize when a man was being friendly vs. being ego-indulgent vs. being conflicted by oppossing passions. But this fellow, unfortunately was a little clueless (bless his heart). He did not realize that I could see right through his attentions and when I said that I was "just his friend" and walked away, that he should not follow me. So, I was reduced to hiding behind my real friends and practically running in the other direction to avoid him. Because he did not seem to realize that this time, when I said, "Let's jus be friends" I meant, "Please do not talk to me unless you need me to help dig your car out of the snow."

Now, given these stories, do you see what I mean? Yes, it is possible for men and women to be friends. But the closer they grow, the more danger there is for romance. Men never spend hour after hour after day after day after week after week with a woman they are not working with unless they have some other motive in mind. It could be a mere infatuation, it could be lust, it could be a selfish desire to have their ego flattered by talking to a woman who is into them that they are not into, just because they want things done for them with no committment on their side. (More on this later.)

So, no, you can have friends who are men. But if you are women, "your best friend" can't be a a heterosexual man without a girlfriend without the danger of him being interested in you. So, hopefully now, gentlemen, when I woman you are fascinated with says to you, "I just want to be friends" you will know 1-She means it, 2-So stop trailing around her unless you are planning to romance her, 3-If you are the fearful type who does not want another injury to the heart, back off!

Ladies, if the fellow is trailing around you like Billy Crystal in When Harry Met Sally it does not neccessarily mean that he is in love with you. But you are definitely not "Just friends".