We call it "Date Rape" for some reason. It does not only happen on dates though. It can happen on a group outing, at a party, at an afterparty, in your own house, ih his or her own house.
I think the reason why we call it "date rape" is coined more from the surprise attach element to it and the fact that it generally happens either in a place where we thought that we would be safe or when we were with people that we trusted.
Gentlemen, this talk is for you too, it is not just for the ladies. Never assume that because you are a guy you are safe. Even if you are fast or big or very strong, it won't do you much good if you are not aware of your surroundings and avoid dangerous situations, places and people. Groups of sickos can still jump you. They can wait until you have had too many drinks and strike you from the blind side. A woman can still take advantage of a man if he is not in full control of his faculties, if she is evil enough. And there are some who are.
Ladies...Be careful. We live in a society that is constantly exploiting women or permitting them to exploit and degrade themselves. This is the easiest age to find a host of people who do not understand the value of the human persons aside from their personal gain or gratification.
Ladies and Gentlemen, watch out for:
1. Places that are poorly lit at night or where really loud noise or blasting music is being played.
Do you know everybody at this party? Odds are lots of other people do not know everybody either. There is a chance that you are talking to somebody who has crashed the party. If you need to shout right in front of each other to converse over the jamming, then it is not safe to "go someplace quiet" or bail the party with the stranger. Why? Becasue if he drags you down to the basement of a back bedroom or bathroom or into his car...NOBODY CAN HERE YOU SCREAM!
2. People who are using or have been using drugs or a place where there are drugs. Aside from the obvious health hazard and illegality, newsflash-people who are already prone to do bad things will feel less inhibited about doing them when they can't think straight. Stay away from drugs.
3. People who are drunk.
I know this one sounds hard, because at most parties, at least one person somewhere will drink too much! I sound puritanical. I do not mean that you should leave the party the second you see one person start to stagger. But keep an eye on them so nobody steals their wallet. Don't let a guy dance with you or put his hands on you if he is visibly drunk. Common sense!
4. People who get your drink for you or linger by it or "did that guy just put his hand over the rim of that girl's glass?"
Watch out for that guy. There will be people you meet randomly at bars or you did not even notice at parties who will drop a drug in your drink and take advantage of you.
Never ever ever
Leave your drink unattended
Follow a stranger
Meet up with somebody new that you met online at night in a less than public place
Let a stranger in your house
Leave your cell phone or purse
Yes do:
Learn some basic self defense moves
Carry a knife or gun when and where allowed
Carry mace or other pepper spray
Have enough money for an emergency cab fare or metro fare
Have a trusted friend or two with you
Trust your gut
If something feels not right... RUN!
After the first time you have said, "stop it I don't like that," and they are not stopping...start slugging and kicking and screaming. Don't wait of sit ther e stunned until they have already got you in a more vulnerable spot.
If you have an acquaintence or even "friend" or even are dating somebody that is always pushing the boundaries and showing disrespect for your physical boundaries, this person is not immune to that sort of ugly violent crime and you should not trust them.
In fact, what are you doing dating them?
If you have an angry, obsessive ex, be very careful. Do not assume that they will stop at obscene text messages and violent threats. Do not associate with them. Make sure your landlady knows this guy/girl by sight and forbids him from the premises. Fill out a police report and report the person's sexual harrassment. So if the person tries something stupid, the police will be ready. You will be prepared.
That is the bottom line of safety: always be prepared, always be aware.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
On Chivalry
Dear Gentlemen,
Now I am going to use the C-word at you. Chivalry. It must be a dirty word because (granted I have not lived for very long) in my whole life I have met a very select handful of men who really seemed brave enough to be truly chivalrous. Others prided themselves upon it, but fell short still from time to time.
Here is a quiz for you.
There is a little old lady who is trying to move her trash bin a few feet to the side walk. She is going as slow as a sanil because it is heavy and she is visibly afriad of losing her balance and taking a fall. Do you offer her some help and move the trashcan?
Why not? Don't you know that the lady is trying to move it herself because she does not want to bother anybody. She is more willing to take a fall and break her already feeble bones on the sidewalk than "be a bother" to anyone. Do you know how much effort it takes for that poor lady to move something that big that far for that long? You can't move a trash bin four feet? What is your excuse?
If you answered yes, to the last question, that does not neccessarily mean you are chivalrous, it just means that you have some compassion and human decency, which is related to chivarly but not quite the same thing. But helping an old lady with her burdens or across a street or opening a door for her or picking it up if she drops something is what a chivarlous man would do.
Here is an easier question.
You invited this lady to lunch. This is your second date, and you are discovering that within yourself that you Just Not That Into her (good book, by the way).
So do you pay for the meal, or split the check or leave and let her pay?
YOU HAD BETTER NOT HAVE ANSWERED EITHER OF THE LAST TWO!
Gentlemen, I do not care where you were raised (probably in a barn) but HE WHO INVITES, PAYS!
No "Do you want to split the check?" No you better not leave her with it. Doing so puts you down the sensible self-respcting woman's scale as a coward.
You will be highlighted with a red pen by every attractive friend of that date, sister, cousin, aunt, distant relation and female facebook friend as a "Never talk to or let any of your friends talk to THAT JERK!"
It is so esy, Gentlemen! Why don't you get it? The message you are sending with that kind of behavior is, "I am a selfish bastard and I am too cheap to pay for a lunch. Do not date me or marry me, because if you do, you will be supporting me and I will give you no help."
Here is another scenario... It is a dance, and you are watching everybody else have fun as formidable and joyless as Mr. Darcy (an even better book).
There is a lady who has been near enough within vision for you to see that she has not danced the last three dances. Do you ask her to dance?
If no, WHY NOT? I do not care if she isas big as a truck, has no teeth and wears a beard! If a gentlemen comes to a dance, he goes expecting to dance. He does not just dance with his guy friend's girlfriends because they are safe (COWARD!). He does not dance only with the most beautiful women in the room wearing the most revealing dresses (superficial, lustful pig!). A gentlemen does not dance only with the girls that he could concievably see himself dating or courting (selfish anti-social, presumptuous pip squeak!) I do not care if you say, "I don't dance" A real man learns how to dance. Or he fakes it if need be.
Trust me, I have danced with a good number of men who did not know how to dance very well. I was more appreciative of them for at least trying to be sociable than I was by the men who knew how to dance and held me too close to them for any lady's comfort or modesty. (Don't even think about it!)
If you are afraid of being rejected, that is understandable, but I am not an extraordinary lady. There are many like me. I have only said no, to two men who asked me to dance in all of my life. One of them was my abusive father, the other one was a man with a huge crush on me that took everything I did and said as encouragement of his wooing no matter how many times I asked him to stop.
Most ladies would blush at the thought of refusing to dance with a nice sociable gentlemen. It would be as absurd as paying the lunch check for the man who asked you out.
And one more thing gentlemen. Smart women that you will court will take how you treat your mother and your sisters as how you will treat them. A smart woman only feels safe with a chivalrous mean.
Chivarly: A pattern of behavior and course of action that denotes habitual courage, charity, kindness, compassion and honor.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
On Behaving Like A Lady
+
AMDG
Now before I embark upon this task, I wish to make it very clear that any unladylike behavior does not justify any ungentlemanly behavior. Now that that is out of the way... We women these days have a lot of pressure on us to be in every way perfect. I never condone the forces of perfectionism. They are responisible for so much havoc and unhappiness. This post does not associate itself with any part of that dark alliance.
We women also want respect. We also want to be approachable, but not "easy". No woman really wants that. We want to be trusted, but not taken for granted. We want to stir desire but we also want to inspire wonder. We want to work, but we do not want to be overwhelmed. We want to serve but we do not want to be enslaved. We want to be strong but we do not want to be hard. We are warriors accustomed to battle but we do not want to be ungentle.
Every person on the face of this earth is a paradox by nature. This is especially true of women. This is one of the many reasons why men will never plumb the mystery of our natures. We will always be a marvellous and captivating mystery to them and that is how it should be.
Having said this, it boggles my mind how many women whom I know to want respect as well as desire act in a way so unworthy of them. Well, let me modify that. I know that many of these behaviors are done so as to gain attention from men or because they mistakenly believe that men want that from them. But not only is it secretly not what women want, it is not what any man worth his salt wants.
Ladies, be honest. If you think you are exempt from being undignified or being too dependent on male attention, ask yourself these questions:
1. Have you ever worn a pair of slacks or jeans that were far too tight to be comfortable or professional, but you wore them anyway because you wanted to draw attention to your butt and legs?
2. Have you ever worn a skirt that was far too short for you to bend over in without flashing somebody but you wore it anyway? Why? Because you had great legs and if you have them you should flaunt them?
3. Has any man ever opened the door for you and you snapped at him? Why? DO YOU HONESTLY THINK that the gentleman is doing that because HE REALLY BELIEVES that YOU CANNOT OPEN A BLOODY DOOR!!!?
4. Has any man ever offered to help you with your coat in a non-sensuous way and you refused him?
5. Have you ever been on a date with a fellow and insisted that you split the check with him, just to cheat him out of the oppurtunity to do some little sweet gesture for you?
6. Have you ever worn a low cut blouse, dress or shirt, even though you knew that you would be tucking your breasts back in your shirt every time you went to the bathroom or tugging your bra down lower so it would not show? Why? Was it because you knew that men can't stop staring at them because they are gorgeous?
7. Have you ever sat in a way to purposefully draw attention to your legs in a group setting?
8. Have you ever called a man when he did not call you when he said he would?
9. Have you ever let a man kiss you after a date, when you really did not feel ready for it or comfortable with it?
10. Have you ever let a man act like he was your lover or your husband when he was not your lover or your husband?
11. Have you ever danced in front of somebody with the intent of arousing him/them when you had not intention of every sating what you aroused.
12. Have you ever become sexually involved with a man whom you knew would never marry you and did not really love you.
13. Have you ever sat there and laughed at a chauvinistic or misogynistic joke or a dirty joke or crudity or cursing that made you feel uncomfortable or offended you secretly?
I know that some of these things seem very small. Why do these things matter in terms of being respected and valued. If you only knew how it makes you look. It does not make men respect you. It does not empower you. It does not free you. It only makes people think that they can conquer you with little or no effort on their part.
The bottom line is: A lady loves herself and everybody around her. Mr. Right is looking for a lady who is confident and respects herself. Mr. Player-Dead-Wrong is looking for someone who he can misuse with no negative consequences. Being a lady scares Mr. Dead-Wrong and shows him how weak and pathetic he really is. It reinforces and rewards Mr. Right for being so courteous, respectful and kind.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Ladies, For Pity's Sake...Stop Waiting By The Phone
Dear beautiful, intelligent, and good-natured reader,
Yes, you heard me correctly. You have handed out your number to some fellow in the bar or club (that might have been your first mistake) and now, the weekend is dribbling away and you are wondering why he has not called when he said that he would (that is another mistake). Now you are glancing at the phone, jumping every time it rings, slamming it down in frustration when it is not him (no, no, no). Now you are even considering calling him since he gave you his number (that was another mistake). Do Not Call Him. For heaven's sake, PLEASE DON'T!
How can I stress it to you that you are better than this? You do not linger in places expressly for the purpose of finding some man who will hit on you and then ask for your number. A lovely, fascinating creature such as yourself has many things that you might do on the weekend and people to be with and places to go and things to see. You simply do not have time for that whateverhisnamewas who can't pick up a phone.
And if you ever bump into that fellow again by chance, and he has the gall to hit on you again, tell him to go bother somebody with no friends, no liesure, no pleasures, no hobbies, no prospects and no life. For surely, that must be the sort of creature he is after if this is how he conducts his courtship.
You, however, have hobbies, interests, work, friends and admirers. You love your life and do not need a man who does not value you enough to call to give your life meaning or excitement.
Get into the habit of saying to men in bars, that if they want to call you, to find your number themselves. If you meet a man who seems stellar in a place other than a bar and he asks for your number, you may give it to him if he says he will call you about the weekend. Remember, if he waits until Friday night to call you, he is too late. Inform him that you have your weekends booked by Wednesday.
The bottom line is: You are not being "demanding" by insisting that a fellow call when he says he will. You are being independent and self-respecting by not clinging to the phone or checking your cell every ten minutes.
Yes, you heard me correctly. You have handed out your number to some fellow in the bar or club (that might have been your first mistake) and now, the weekend is dribbling away and you are wondering why he has not called when he said that he would (that is another mistake). Now you are glancing at the phone, jumping every time it rings, slamming it down in frustration when it is not him (no, no, no). Now you are even considering calling him since he gave you his number (that was another mistake). Do Not Call Him. For heaven's sake, PLEASE DON'T!
How can I stress it to you that you are better than this? You do not linger in places expressly for the purpose of finding some man who will hit on you and then ask for your number. A lovely, fascinating creature such as yourself has many things that you might do on the weekend and people to be with and places to go and things to see. You simply do not have time for that whateverhisnamewas who can't pick up a phone.
And if you ever bump into that fellow again by chance, and he has the gall to hit on you again, tell him to go bother somebody with no friends, no liesure, no pleasures, no hobbies, no prospects and no life. For surely, that must be the sort of creature he is after if this is how he conducts his courtship.
You, however, have hobbies, interests, work, friends and admirers. You love your life and do not need a man who does not value you enough to call to give your life meaning or excitement.
Get into the habit of saying to men in bars, that if they want to call you, to find your number themselves. If you meet a man who seems stellar in a place other than a bar and he asks for your number, you may give it to him if he says he will call you about the weekend. Remember, if he waits until Friday night to call you, he is too late. Inform him that you have your weekends booked by Wednesday.
The bottom line is: You are not being "demanding" by insisting that a fellow call when he says he will. You are being independent and self-respecting by not clinging to the phone or checking your cell every ten minutes.
Friday, November 19, 2010
"We're Just Friends"
+
AMDG
I remember one day sitting with a couple married ladies, one in her forties, another in her sixties; who heard me mention a friend of mine who was a man. "Ooooooh!" They cried, "Tell us about him."
I did not know what they wanted to know about him particularly, but I became gradually aware that they were looking for some juicy gossip from me of a romantic nature.
"We are just friends!" I exclaimed.
"There is no such thing," Was the laconic reply.
But I was perfectly sincere. There were several young men that I spoke with almost every day at college (ah happy days!) about classes, about philosophy, theology, classics, etc. who would dance with me at dances, who I would go out with on "group dates". There was one young man in particular, who followed me around and would talk to me as if there was nobody else in the world he had conversed with in years.
"You must have a romantic interest in one of them at least. And they must have romantic interest in you." The matrons said.
"No!" I protested, "That does not follow logically. A lot of these men are dating my friends! Others are the guy friends of the men my friends are dating. They are just being friendly and sociable in a group setting."
"Oh all right,"they conceded "but that man who follows you around, who is not in your crowd. He is interested in you!"
"No, he is not. He and I have both agreed that we are just friends!"
So it went on. I brought up exapmless of great platonic/ spiritual friendships in history.
There is Sancta Teresa de Avila and San Juan de la Cruz, who were very close friends and both celibate Carmelite Consecrated Religious. There was St. Margaret Mary Alaqouque and St. Claude de la Colombiere, who were also close friends and spiritual directors of each other. I was certain that there were many other confessors and spiritual directors and religious who loved each other like brother and sister. But I could not think of any married couples that I knew who were close friends with somebody else of the opposite sex, at the time.
But I did not want to believe that the ladies had any sense to their argument. I went back to my life at that college, and lived my life as before. But the doubt nagged in my mind that maybe they were right. So I always made a point with every fellow who followed me around (not that their were hoards of them or anything, just two or three at different points) that he understood that I was only interested in being friends with him.
Looking back, it is rather comical, the efforts that I made to "just be friends" with those men who kept asking me to spend more and more time with them yet insisting that this "was not a date". I was completely honest, and it never crossed my mind that these men, whom I was always so innocent and earnest with, believed that I was lying as much as they were.
Because I do not tell lies. I was an honest little girl then, and I am an honest young woman now. These fellows were not neccessarily being purposefully decietful either. They were not trying play games, per se, they were just fooling themselves. Perhaps they were as naive as I was.
The truth is, ladies and gentlemen. Ladies are not gentlemen. One of the major differences between men and women is that women are not as easily swayed by the physical as men. Women can sit down next to a man talking for two hours without the thought of kissing the fellow ever even crossing their minds. Some of you men might claim that you can do that too. If you can, you are lucky. But for a vast number of men, they are very easily distracted by a woman's beauty or they are hardwired to be on the lookout for that beauty. Women do not constantly need to be reminded to look into a persons' eyes instead of "staring at their mouth and trying to imagine what she looks like naked" (Hitch). Because women love to talk. They love to express what is inside them to anybody that will listen. They are naturally curious about most people. If you are alive, there is some woman somewhere who wants to find out things about your personal life, because it is interesting.
I let aforementioned man #1 talk to me constantly and follow me around because I knew that he had almost no friends at the time in that place and he wanted somebody to listen to him. Also, I guessed that he wanted a woman to talk to. I did not merely feel sorry for him though. His thoughts and subjects of interest were very interesting. So I listened because I usually liked to listen to what he had to say. There was nothing romantic or sexual about it on my side. And though his occasioanl attempts at flirtation were flattering, they were completely one-sided.
I could not understand why I had to constantly tell gossips and friends alike that man #1 and I were not dating. After all, he kept saying that he was never going to date anybody and it was just as unlikely to him that he would ever get married. (Just as a side note: Ladies, if a man says to you that he is never going to get married to or date you, you should believe him!)
Besides, I knew that I was not attracted to him in that way. I did have a deep and true sisterly affection for him, though. But still, little by little, the nagging doubt that maybe he did have some sort of romantic interest in me was clamoring. By the time it came to a peak, I was transferring to another college in another state.
It was only years later that I was reunited with my brotherly friend. He confessed that he had not known himself very well at all. He had been so determined not to fall in love with me, and kept repressing any romantic inclination. He had been afraid to express him true feelings and afraid to let himself have any romantic interest. But despite his efforts to ruin his own happiness and crush his heart, he had been silently growing more and more attracted to me. But he knew that I was not interested in him in that way so he just passively let me talk to him and kept hanging around me. (Guys: This is not how to handle the situation. I will post why later.)
By the time he had finally got up the courage to ask me out, he found out that I had to leave the college, and reliquished the idea. At the time he confessed this to me, we had not seen each other in four years. We had both grown and changed. Somehow, he had never forgotten me and when he found me, he kept contact with me and kept calling and calling. (Ladies, take note: If you are worth a phone call to a guy, HE WILL CALL! If he has not called, then he will not call.) Now things were changing. His affection and attraction for me had deepened. My sisterly affection for him was changing into a different kind of regard. (The rest of this story is for another day.)
In the years between my being reunited with Friend # 1 (who turned out to be more than "just a friend") there were guyfriends # 2 and # 3.
Friend #2 was like the other, very interesting and seemed to enjoy having a woman to talk to and listen to him. I am a fairly good listener. That means that people feel safe just coming up and talking to me. It is a gift, but you have to be careful. I loved having a man to talk to too. Because at this new college, I had to make new friends and as a transfer student (either a "Sophman" or a "Freshmore") I did not immediately fit into any "crowd". I needed friends, so I befriended him. Also, I loved talking to men. I LOVE men!
I did not ever intend to date him though. I was not attracted to him in that way. I loved his chats about history and dogma. He was interesting and intelligent, and I suppose there are many women who would have found him attractive. But there was no spark. We sat together constantly in the cafeteria, we studied together, he asked me to dance most at every dance, we would go down to the river camfire every weekend, pray the rosary together. Then I wondered why I had to keep telling my few close bffs that I was not dating this guy. It took me a year to discover that the fellow was not really my friend. He really had no real brotherlike or otherwise love for me at all. Or not much. It was only when we had ended our friendship that one of his close guy friends confided that my wayward "friend" had "liked me" i.e. romantically. But regardless of whether or not the young man had fooled himself into thinking that he was romantically infatuated with me, he did not have the guts to act upon them. So how much could he have cared, really?
By the time I had met fellow #3 I had wised up (finally!) enough to recognize when a man was being friendly vs. being ego-indulgent vs. being conflicted by oppossing passions. But this fellow, unfortunately was a little clueless (bless his heart). He did not realize that I could see right through his attentions and when I said that I was "just his friend" and walked away, that he should not follow me. So, I was reduced to hiding behind my real friends and practically running in the other direction to avoid him. Because he did not seem to realize that this time, when I said, "Let's jus be friends" I meant, "Please do not talk to me unless you need me to help dig your car out of the snow."
Now, given these stories, do you see what I mean? Yes, it is possible for men and women to be friends. But the closer they grow, the more danger there is for romance. Men never spend hour after hour after day after day after week after week with a woman they are not working with unless they have some other motive in mind. It could be a mere infatuation, it could be lust, it could be a selfish desire to have their ego flattered by talking to a woman who is into them that they are not into, just because they want things done for them with no committment on their side. (More on this later.)
So, no, you can have friends who are men. But if you are women, "your best friend" can't be a a heterosexual man without a girlfriend without the danger of him being interested in you. So, hopefully now, gentlemen, when I woman you are fascinated with says to you, "I just want to be friends" you will know 1-She means it, 2-So stop trailing around her unless you are planning to romance her, 3-If you are the fearful type who does not want another injury to the heart, back off!
Ladies, if the fellow is trailing around you like Billy Crystal in When Harry Met Sally it does not neccessarily mean that he is in love with you. But you are definitely not "Just friends".
AMDG
I remember one day sitting with a couple married ladies, one in her forties, another in her sixties; who heard me mention a friend of mine who was a man. "Ooooooh!" They cried, "Tell us about him."
I did not know what they wanted to know about him particularly, but I became gradually aware that they were looking for some juicy gossip from me of a romantic nature.
"We are just friends!" I exclaimed.
"There is no such thing," Was the laconic reply.
But I was perfectly sincere. There were several young men that I spoke with almost every day at college (ah happy days!) about classes, about philosophy, theology, classics, etc. who would dance with me at dances, who I would go out with on "group dates". There was one young man in particular, who followed me around and would talk to me as if there was nobody else in the world he had conversed with in years.
"You must have a romantic interest in one of them at least. And they must have romantic interest in you." The matrons said.
"No!" I protested, "That does not follow logically. A lot of these men are dating my friends! Others are the guy friends of the men my friends are dating. They are just being friendly and sociable in a group setting."
"Oh all right,"they conceded "but that man who follows you around, who is not in your crowd. He is interested in you!"
"No, he is not. He and I have both agreed that we are just friends!"
So it went on. I brought up exapmless of great platonic/ spiritual friendships in history.
There is Sancta Teresa de Avila and San Juan de la Cruz, who were very close friends and both celibate Carmelite Consecrated Religious. There was St. Margaret Mary Alaqouque and St. Claude de la Colombiere, who were also close friends and spiritual directors of each other. I was certain that there were many other confessors and spiritual directors and religious who loved each other like brother and sister. But I could not think of any married couples that I knew who were close friends with somebody else of the opposite sex, at the time.
But I did not want to believe that the ladies had any sense to their argument. I went back to my life at that college, and lived my life as before. But the doubt nagged in my mind that maybe they were right. So I always made a point with every fellow who followed me around (not that their were hoards of them or anything, just two or three at different points) that he understood that I was only interested in being friends with him.
Looking back, it is rather comical, the efforts that I made to "just be friends" with those men who kept asking me to spend more and more time with them yet insisting that this "was not a date". I was completely honest, and it never crossed my mind that these men, whom I was always so innocent and earnest with, believed that I was lying as much as they were.
Because I do not tell lies. I was an honest little girl then, and I am an honest young woman now. These fellows were not neccessarily being purposefully decietful either. They were not trying play games, per se, they were just fooling themselves. Perhaps they were as naive as I was.
The truth is, ladies and gentlemen. Ladies are not gentlemen. One of the major differences between men and women is that women are not as easily swayed by the physical as men. Women can sit down next to a man talking for two hours without the thought of kissing the fellow ever even crossing their minds. Some of you men might claim that you can do that too. If you can, you are lucky. But for a vast number of men, they are very easily distracted by a woman's beauty or they are hardwired to be on the lookout for that beauty. Women do not constantly need to be reminded to look into a persons' eyes instead of "staring at their mouth and trying to imagine what she looks like naked" (Hitch). Because women love to talk. They love to express what is inside them to anybody that will listen. They are naturally curious about most people. If you are alive, there is some woman somewhere who wants to find out things about your personal life, because it is interesting.
I let aforementioned man #1 talk to me constantly and follow me around because I knew that he had almost no friends at the time in that place and he wanted somebody to listen to him. Also, I guessed that he wanted a woman to talk to. I did not merely feel sorry for him though. His thoughts and subjects of interest were very interesting. So I listened because I usually liked to listen to what he had to say. There was nothing romantic or sexual about it on my side. And though his occasioanl attempts at flirtation were flattering, they were completely one-sided.
I could not understand why I had to constantly tell gossips and friends alike that man #1 and I were not dating. After all, he kept saying that he was never going to date anybody and it was just as unlikely to him that he would ever get married. (Just as a side note: Ladies, if a man says to you that he is never going to get married to or date you, you should believe him!)
Besides, I knew that I was not attracted to him in that way. I did have a deep and true sisterly affection for him, though. But still, little by little, the nagging doubt that maybe he did have some sort of romantic interest in me was clamoring. By the time it came to a peak, I was transferring to another college in another state.
It was only years later that I was reunited with my brotherly friend. He confessed that he had not known himself very well at all. He had been so determined not to fall in love with me, and kept repressing any romantic inclination. He had been afraid to express him true feelings and afraid to let himself have any romantic interest. But despite his efforts to ruin his own happiness and crush his heart, he had been silently growing more and more attracted to me. But he knew that I was not interested in him in that way so he just passively let me talk to him and kept hanging around me. (Guys: This is not how to handle the situation. I will post why later.)
By the time he had finally got up the courage to ask me out, he found out that I had to leave the college, and reliquished the idea. At the time he confessed this to me, we had not seen each other in four years. We had both grown and changed. Somehow, he had never forgotten me and when he found me, he kept contact with me and kept calling and calling. (Ladies, take note: If you are worth a phone call to a guy, HE WILL CALL! If he has not called, then he will not call.) Now things were changing. His affection and attraction for me had deepened. My sisterly affection for him was changing into a different kind of regard. (The rest of this story is for another day.)
In the years between my being reunited with Friend # 1 (who turned out to be more than "just a friend") there were guyfriends # 2 and # 3.
Friend #2 was like the other, very interesting and seemed to enjoy having a woman to talk to and listen to him. I am a fairly good listener. That means that people feel safe just coming up and talking to me. It is a gift, but you have to be careful. I loved having a man to talk to too. Because at this new college, I had to make new friends and as a transfer student (either a "Sophman" or a "Freshmore") I did not immediately fit into any "crowd". I needed friends, so I befriended him. Also, I loved talking to men. I LOVE men!
I did not ever intend to date him though. I was not attracted to him in that way. I loved his chats about history and dogma. He was interesting and intelligent, and I suppose there are many women who would have found him attractive. But there was no spark. We sat together constantly in the cafeteria, we studied together, he asked me to dance most at every dance, we would go down to the river camfire every weekend, pray the rosary together. Then I wondered why I had to keep telling my few close bffs that I was not dating this guy. It took me a year to discover that the fellow was not really my friend. He really had no real brotherlike or otherwise love for me at all. Or not much. It was only when we had ended our friendship that one of his close guy friends confided that my wayward "friend" had "liked me" i.e. romantically. But regardless of whether or not the young man had fooled himself into thinking that he was romantically infatuated with me, he did not have the guts to act upon them. So how much could he have cared, really?
By the time I had met fellow #3 I had wised up (finally!) enough to recognize when a man was being friendly vs. being ego-indulgent vs. being conflicted by oppossing passions. But this fellow, unfortunately was a little clueless (bless his heart). He did not realize that I could see right through his attentions and when I said that I was "just his friend" and walked away, that he should not follow me. So, I was reduced to hiding behind my real friends and practically running in the other direction to avoid him. Because he did not seem to realize that this time, when I said, "Let's jus be friends" I meant, "Please do not talk to me unless you need me to help dig your car out of the snow."
Now, given these stories, do you see what I mean? Yes, it is possible for men and women to be friends. But the closer they grow, the more danger there is for romance. Men never spend hour after hour after day after day after week after week with a woman they are not working with unless they have some other motive in mind. It could be a mere infatuation, it could be lust, it could be a selfish desire to have their ego flattered by talking to a woman who is into them that they are not into, just because they want things done for them with no committment on their side. (More on this later.)
So, no, you can have friends who are men. But if you are women, "your best friend" can't be a a heterosexual man without a girlfriend without the danger of him being interested in you. So, hopefully now, gentlemen, when I woman you are fascinated with says to you, "I just want to be friends" you will know 1-She means it, 2-So stop trailing around her unless you are planning to romance her, 3-If you are the fearful type who does not want another injury to the heart, back off!
Ladies, if the fellow is trailing around you like Billy Crystal in When Harry Met Sally it does not neccessarily mean that he is in love with you. But you are definitely not "Just friends".
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