Talk is cheap

"I really like you."

"You are so beautiful."

"You are the sweetest person I have ever met."

"You are such a smart and very pretty girl. You are a good Catholic girl. I am so glad to be around you."

"You are so good and kind and holy and beautiful. You are virtuous and pure-hearted. You are like an angel."

"I love you more than anything in this world, I love you more than life itself. I would give my life for you."


Does any of this sound familiar? If it does, you have probably learned very well, that a lovely, ardent, intelligent young lady (or gentleman) must not believe everything that she hears.

If you are younger, perhaps it would surprise you to know that I have heard every one of these pretty speeches applied to my lowly self, and not from the same man. Five different men came to mind in particular. If you were surprised by that, try this...they will say it to you too.

Before you blush and struggle for breath at the thought of such melodious sounds pummelling your pretty little ears from troves of amorous swains; listen and take to heart what I say...EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THOSE MEN WERE LYING WHEN THEY SAID THAT.

With the exception of "Oh you are so beautiful," which they all said, every single one of those speeches was folly of the first order.

Do not misunderstand me, none of those men thought that they were lying when they said those tender, little nothings. They were lying more to themselves than to me. It is probable that they did not know themselves. None of those fellows were villains, but none were knights that I would marry either.

The man who said that he "really liked and admired me" I dated for a while, because I believed him, but he really did not have any deep, lasting feeling for me at all, and his actions later revealed that.

The man who literally wrote me a sonnet in praise of my virtue and beauty, I never dated because I saw his pretty words for what they were, a passing infatuation and idolization. Besides, I was not remotely attracted to him. It did not take long for him to find himself a new idol. Haha!

The man who amorously said that I was the sweetest girl he had ever met, I did not date because we were not compatible with each other. I am sure if we had dated, however, he would quickly have realized the truth that there are thousands of girls just as kindly and hopefully more so than I.

The man who claimed that he was so proud to be with me because I was so smart and beautiful and a "good Catholic girl" disproved those words by the fact that he never wanted to be near my friends and did not want me to be around his friends.

The man who told me that he loved me more than life itself and would give his life to protect me...I did believe at the time. He thought that it was true at the time too, though I do not see how he could have. His actions revealed the truth eventually though. Really his love only went so far. He loved such as he could love, but he could not even protect me from himself, let alone anything fiercer.

Have you ever heard the old adage, "Actions speak louder than words." That is the moral and the guiding point behind all of these comical, pathetic and sometimes tragic stories.

So what I am trying to warn all of you about is not that you should neccessarily disbelieve them when they all (and they will) shower you with praise or make declarations of love. You are beautiful and wonderful, never forget that. They might even love you in so way or another. One of them might even be the one who will affirm the truth of his words with his actions.

All I am saying is place value on the ACTIONS not the words. Even in an age without the soaring stanzas and sonnets of previous decades, where the height of romantic love speeches is the "You Complete Me" line from Jerry McGuire or a line from a Nora Ephron movie...TALK IS CHEAP. Even though men of this age pretend to have no skill when it comes to opening their mouths and saying something romantic, there is nothing in the world easier to do than to say any of those things quoted at the top of this post.

So should you mistrust them all initially, no. However, as women in particular (men, keep listening) we place great value upon what we hear. That is part of the reason why we are more verbally expressive than men, as a rule. Ears are to a woman what eyes are to a man.
This is a gift from God and nature. All I am saying is, know the possible dowfalls of this and be aware of the "flaw within the system". You remember when you were five and your Mom took you aside and said, "You must not believe everything you hear." This is just a reminder form your friendly neighborhood blogger. If you take heed, it might save you some heartache and annoyance. It did me and would have even more, had I been more attentive to it. If you have been decieved in the past, join the club. It is never too late to place greater reserve upon your favor and credulity.

On Knowing When To Pull Out

Fairly recently, I called off my engagement to a wonderful man. In light of this recent occurance, I thought it fitting to write something about discernment and detachment.

Before I do, I think I should establish something. The ancient Greeks and (later) the Romans thought that there were four principles by which one must guide their life. If we were asked to examine our society today, the closest equivalent we would have to this are the "Live, Laugh, Love" or "Dream" slogans and tablets we see everywhere. Of course you have heard of "Faith, Hope and Love" but these virtues, while the greatest of all, our not from the ancient Greeks, but from Christianity.

The four great or (as they are typically called; cardinal) virtues acknowledged by the Ancient world were; Prudence, Justice, Fortitude and Temperance.

Prudence is sometimes associated with calculating pragmatism, but a more accurate association of the word is Wisdom. It is a wisdom that discerns the right thing to do in the present moment. It loves the good and sees the good.

What does this have to do with dating, courtship, wooing, betrothing, wedding or breaking up? Well prudence has very much to do with all of those things. The first step towards having a successful relationship with anyone, is knowing yourself. One needs to cultivate the self-knowledge, the understanding of things more important than one's self, and the individual people one interacts with.

"Do I really love this man?"
"Does he really, truly, deeply love me?"
"Do we love each other enough to live together faithfully to each other for the rest of our lives?"
"Do I love him enough and esteem him and trust him enough for him to be the father of my children?"
"Am I happy?" "If I am unhappy, than why am I unhappy?"
"When I am with him, do I feel safe and secure, or frightened and strained and burdened?"
"Do I feel accepted or idolized?"
"Does he see me as I am, or is he projecting his desires and dreams on me to be someone who does not exist?"

These are all things that one has to discern and ask one's self. And if the reality is that as much as the two of you care about each other, you are not good for each other and do not make each other happy, you need to recognize it in yourself, before you make the life-long commitment to marriage.

Moving on, Justice...justice is the virtue by which we render to each what is due to them. In my case of breaking off my engagment, after I realized that neither of us were truly happy or at peace, or were likely to ever make each other happy, another realization followed. It would not have been fair of me to marry him or to go on dating him. It would not have been just to him or to me. "In all things to thine own self be true."

Fortitude is the virtue of holding your own and having the strength to do something difficult because it is the right thing to do. Courage in battle in an example of this to a soldier, discipline in school is a good example for a student. In my case, it was, following upon my two aforementioned realizations, the carrying through of the the terrible, very painful breaking with the man I had thought I was going to marry. I knew that it was the right thing to do though, so beneath the pain, there was peace.

Finally, Temperance is the virtue of restraining or curbing your appetites and passions when they are not in accordance with your reason. Sometimes, after talking constantly to a person for years and betrothing yourself to them, even when you break it off, the temptation is to go on seeing him and try to be daily bosom buddies as you were before. It is an easy temptation because the comfort zone has been established. But the "comfort zone" has now become a "danger zone". Resist the temptation to email or communicate with him every week, or even every month. If you make a break, make it fast and swift. Don't make both you and he suffer needlessly.

Why?

Everytime I hear a woman sob about being afraid that somebody does not love them anymore I wonder why in the world they want to be with that person.

Sobbing girl 1: He says the girl he cheated to me on was just a moment of weakness and I should be more understanding.

Me: Tell him to "understand" that he is never going to have anything to do with you again. Tell him to "understand" that you have no time to spare for his "moments".
Tell him you have better things to do and better men to date. Tell him you "understand" that he is incapable of love and loyalty to anybody but himself.
Tell him you "understand" only too well the extent of his "weakness". Then throw his things out of your apartment and change your phone numbers.


Sobbing girl 2: He says that I am too fat and I have gained too much weight and I do not look the way I did when he first married me..."

Me: OH NO HE DI'N'T!!!

Sobbing girl 3: Now he is gone so late at night and does not tell me where he is and I am worried that he is having an affair. I am so afraid of losing him...(sob sob sob)


Me: WHY?
Seriously, sweetie. Why? Just let her have him. Go throw his things out of the house!
He has just CALLED YOU FAT, honey!? He probably is having an affair. So why do you want to be married to a man who treats you that way? Where is your sense of worth? Get a restraining order against that jerk if he ever comes crying back.


Sobbing girl 4: He left me for the seminary then he left the seminary for me and now he is telling me that he has a vocation to the priesthood after all! (sob sob sob)

Me: Tell him good riddance. In the future honey, never date ex-seminarians just out of the seminary. Never take a man back who has dumped you for the seminary unless he slays dragons to and crawls in the dust at your feet to get you back.


Sobbing girl 5: Why does this keep happening to me? I keep trying to be the most perfect person I can be and my boyfriends keep telling me that I need to try harder and I am not good enough. What is wrong with me?

Me: Nothing except possibly low self-esteem. You keep dating jerks. Next time a fellow says you are not good enough for him, laugh in his face and tell him that he does not stand a chance with ending up with somebody like you. Then strut happily away.

How to...Avoid Date Rape

We call it "Date Rape" for some reason. It does not only happen on dates though. It can happen on a group outing, at a party, at an afterparty, in your own house, ih his or her own house.

I think the reason why we call it "date rape" is coined more from the surprise attach element to it and the fact that it generally happens either in a place where we thought that we would be safe or when we were with people that we trusted.


Gentlemen, this talk is for you too, it is not just for the ladies. Never assume that because you are a guy you are safe. Even if you are fast or big or very strong, it won't do you much good if you are not aware of your surroundings and avoid dangerous situations, places and people. Groups of sickos can still jump you. They can wait until you have had too many drinks and strike you from the blind side. A woman can still take advantage of a man if he is not in full control of his faculties, if she is evil enough. And there are some who are.


Ladies...Be careful. We live in a society that is constantly exploiting women or permitting them to exploit and degrade themselves. This is the easiest age to find a host of people who do not understand the value of the human persons aside from their personal gain or gratification.


Ladies and Gentlemen, watch out for:

1. Places that are poorly lit at night or where really loud noise or blasting music is being played.


Do you know everybody at this party? Odds are lots of other people do not know everybody either. There is a chance that you are talking to somebody who has crashed the party. If you need to shout right in front of each other to converse over the jamming, then it is not safe to "go someplace quiet" or bail the party with the stranger. Why? Becasue if he drags you down to the basement of a back bedroom or bathroom or into his car...NOBODY CAN HERE YOU SCREAM!


2. People who are using or have been using drugs or a place where there are drugs. Aside from the obvious health hazard and illegality, newsflash-people who are already prone to do bad things will feel less inhibited about doing them when they can't think straight. Stay away from drugs.


3. People who are drunk.

I know this one sounds hard, because at most parties, at least one person somewhere will drink too much! I sound puritanical. I do not mean that you should leave the party the second you see one person start to stagger. But keep an eye on them so nobody steals their wallet. Don't let a guy dance with you or put his hands on you if he is visibly drunk. Common sense!

4. People who get your drink for you or linger by it or "did that guy just put his hand over the rim of that girl's glass?"


Watch out for that guy. There will be people you meet randomly at bars or you did not even notice at parties who will drop a drug in your drink and take advantage of you.


Never ever ever

Leave your drink unattended

Follow a stranger

Meet up with somebody new that you met online at night in a less than public place

Let a stranger in your house

Leave your cell phone or purse


Yes do:

Learn some basic self defense moves

Carry a knife or gun when and where allowed

Carry mace or other pepper spray

Have enough money for an emergency cab fare or metro fare

Have a trusted friend or two with you

Trust your gut


If something feels not right... RUN!

After the first time you have said, "stop it I don't like that," and they are not stopping...start slugging and kicking and screaming. Don't wait of sit ther e stunned until they have already got you in a more vulnerable spot.


If you have an acquaintence or even "friend" or even are dating somebody that is always pushing the boundaries and showing disrespect for your physical boundaries, this person is not immune to that sort of ugly violent crime and you should not trust them.

In fact, what are you doing dating them?

If you have an angry, obsessive ex, be very careful. Do not assume that they will stop at obscene text messages and violent threats. Do not associate with them. Make sure your landlady knows this guy/girl by sight and forbids him from the premises. Fill out a police report and report the person's sexual harrassment. So if the person tries something stupid, the police will be ready. You will be prepared.


That is the bottom line of safety: always be prepared, always be aware.

On Chivalry

Dear Gentlemen,


Now I am going to use the C-word at you. Chivalry. It must be a dirty word because (granted I have not lived for very long) in my whole life I have met a very select handful of men who really seemed brave enough to be truly chivalrous. Others prided themselves upon it, but fell short still from time to time.

Here is a quiz for you.

There is a little old lady who is trying to move her trash bin a few feet to the side walk. She is going as slow as a sanil because it is heavy and she is visibly afriad of losing her balance and taking a fall. Do you offer her some help and move the trashcan?
Why not? Don't you know that the lady is trying to move it herself because she does not want to bother anybody. She is more willing to take a fall and break her already feeble bones on the sidewalk than "be a bother" to anyone. Do you know how much effort it takes for that poor lady to move something that big that far for that long? You can't move a trash bin four feet? What is your excuse?


If you answered yes, to the last question, that does not neccessarily mean you are chivalrous, it just means that you have some compassion and human decency, which is related to chivarly but not quite the same thing. But helping an old lady with her burdens or across a street or opening a door for her or picking it up if she drops something is what a chivarlous man would do.


Here is an easier question.

You invited this lady to lunch. This is your second date, and you are discovering that within yourself that you Just Not That Into her (good book, by the way).

So do you pay for the meal, or split the check or leave and let her pay?

YOU HAD BETTER NOT HAVE ANSWERED EITHER OF THE LAST TWO!

Gentlemen, I do not care where you were raised (probably in a barn) but HE WHO INVITES, PAYS!

No "Do you want to split the check?" No you better not leave her with it. Doing so puts you down the sensible self-respcting woman's scale as a coward.

You will be highlighted with a red pen by every attractive friend of that date, sister, cousin, aunt, distant relation and female facebook friend as a "Never talk to or let any of your friends talk to THAT JERK!"


It is so esy, Gentlemen! Why don't you get it? The message you are sending with that kind of behavior is, "I am a selfish bastard and I am too cheap to pay for a lunch. Do not date me or marry me, because if you do, you will be supporting me and I will give you no help."


Here is another scenario... It is a dance, and you are watching everybody else have fun as formidable and joyless as Mr. Darcy (an even better book).
There is a lady who has been near enough within vision for you to see that she has not danced the last three dances. Do you ask her to dance?

If no, WHY NOT? I do not care if she isas big as a truck, has no teeth and wears a beard! If a gentlemen comes to a dance, he goes expecting to dance. He does not just dance with his guy friend's girlfriends because they are safe (COWARD!). He does not dance only with the most beautiful women in the room wearing the most revealing dresses (superficial, lustful pig!). A gentlemen does not dance only with the girls that he could concievably see himself dating or courting (selfish anti-social, presumptuous pip squeak!) I do not care if you say, "I don't dance" A real man learns how to dance. Or he fakes it if need be.


Trust me, I have danced with a good number of men who did not know how to dance very well. I was more appreciative of them for at least trying to be sociable than I was by the men who knew how to dance and held me too close to them for any lady's comfort or modesty. (Don't even think about it!)


If you are afraid of being rejected, that is understandable, but I am not an extraordinary lady. There are many like me. I have only said no, to two men who asked me to dance in all of my life. One of them was my abusive father, the other one was a man with a huge crush on me that took everything I did and said as encouragement of his wooing no matter how many times I asked him to stop.


Most ladies would blush at the thought of refusing to dance with a nice sociable gentlemen. It would be as absurd as paying the lunch check for the man who asked you out.

And one more thing gentlemen. Smart women that you will court will take how you treat your mother and your sisters as how you will treat them. A smart woman only feels safe with a chivalrous mean.

Chivarly: A pattern of behavior and course of action that denotes habitual courage, charity, kindness, compassion and honor.

On Behaving Like A Lady

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AMDG

Now before I embark upon this task, I wish to make it very clear that any unladylike behavior does not justify any ungentlemanly behavior. Now that that is out of the way... We women these days have a lot of pressure on us to be in every way perfect. I never condone the forces of perfectionism. They are responisible for so much havoc and unhappiness. This post does not associate itself with any part of that dark alliance.

We women also want respect. We also want to be approachable, but not "easy". No woman really wants that. We want to be trusted, but not taken for granted. We want to stir desire but we also want to inspire wonder. We want to work, but we do not want to be overwhelmed. We want to serve but we do not want to be enslaved. We want to be strong but we do not want to be hard. We are warriors accustomed to battle but we do not want to be ungentle.

Every person on the face of this earth is a paradox by nature. This is especially true of women. This is one of the many reasons why men will never plumb the mystery of our natures. We will always be a marvellous and captivating mystery to them and that is how it should be.

Having said this, it boggles my mind how many women whom I know to want respect as well as desire act in a way so unworthy of them. Well, let me modify that. I know that many of these behaviors are done so as to gain attention from men or because they mistakenly believe that men want that from them. But not only is it secretly not what women want, it is not what any man worth his salt wants.

Ladies, be honest. If you think you are exempt from being undignified or being too dependent on male attention, ask yourself these questions:


1. Have you ever worn a pair of slacks or jeans that were far too tight to be comfortable or professional, but you wore them anyway because you wanted to draw attention to your butt and legs?

2. Have you ever worn a skirt that was far too short for you to bend over in without flashing somebody but you wore it anyway? Why? Because you had great legs and if you have them you should flaunt them?

3. Has any man ever opened the door for you and you snapped at him? Why? DO YOU HONESTLY THINK that the gentleman is doing that because HE REALLY BELIEVES that YOU CANNOT OPEN A BLOODY DOOR!!!?

4. Has any man ever offered to help you with your coat in a non-sensuous way and you refused him?

5. Have you ever been on a date with a fellow and insisted that you split the check with him, just to cheat him out of the oppurtunity to do some little sweet gesture for you?

6. Have you ever worn a low cut blouse, dress or shirt, even though you knew that you would be tucking your breasts back in your shirt every time you went to the bathroom or tugging your bra down lower so it would not show? Why? Was it because you knew that men can't stop staring at them because they are gorgeous?


7. Have you ever sat in a way to purposefully draw attention to your legs in a group setting?

8. Have you ever called a man when he did not call you when he said he would?

9. Have you ever let a man kiss you after a date, when you really did not feel ready for it or comfortable with it?

10. Have you ever let a man act like he was your lover or your husband when he was not your lover or your husband?

11. Have you ever danced in front of somebody with the intent of arousing him/them when you had not intention of every sating what you aroused.

12. Have you ever become sexually involved with a man whom you knew would never marry you and did not really love you.

13. Have you ever sat there and laughed at a chauvinistic or misogynistic joke or a dirty joke or crudity or cursing that made you feel uncomfortable or offended you secretly?


I know that some of these things seem very small. Why do these things matter in terms of being respected and valued. If you only knew how it makes you look. It does not make men respect you. It does not empower you. It does not free you. It only makes people think that they can conquer you with little or no effort on their part.
The bottom line is: A lady loves herself and everybody around her. Mr. Right is looking for a lady who is confident and respects herself. Mr. Player-Dead-Wrong is looking for someone who he can misuse with no negative consequences. Being a lady scares Mr. Dead-Wrong and shows him how weak and pathetic he really is. It reinforces and rewards Mr. Right for being so courteous, respectful and kind.

Ladies, For Pity's Sake...Stop Waiting By The Phone

Dear beautiful, intelligent, and good-natured reader,

Yes, you heard me correctly. You have handed out your number to some fellow in the bar or club (that might have been your first mistake) and now, the weekend is dribbling away and you are wondering why he has not called when he said that he would (that is another mistake). Now you are glancing at the phone, jumping every time it rings, slamming it down in frustration when it is not him (no, no, no). Now you are even considering calling him since he gave you his number (that was another mistake). Do Not Call Him. For heaven's sake, PLEASE DON'T!

How can I stress it to you that you are better than this? You do not linger in places expressly for the purpose of finding some man who will hit on you and then ask for your number. A lovely, fascinating creature such as yourself has many things that you might do on the weekend and people to be with and places to go and things to see. You simply do not have time for that whateverhisnamewas who can't pick up a phone.

And if you ever bump into that fellow again by chance, and he has the gall to hit on you again, tell him to go bother somebody with no friends, no liesure, no pleasures, no hobbies, no prospects and no life. For surely, that must be the sort of creature he is after if this is how he conducts his courtship.

You, however, have hobbies, interests, work, friends and admirers. You love your life and do not need a man who does not value you enough to call to give your life meaning or excitement.

Get into the habit of saying to men in bars, that if they want to call you, to find your number themselves. If you meet a man who seems stellar in a place other than a bar and he asks for your number, you may give it to him if he says he will call you about the weekend. Remember, if he waits until Friday night to call you, he is too late. Inform him that you have your weekends booked by Wednesday.

The bottom line is: You are not being "demanding" by insisting that a fellow call when he says he will. You are being independent and self-respecting by not clinging to the phone or checking your cell every ten minutes.