Fairly recently, I called off my engagement to a wonderful man. In light of this recent occurance, I thought it fitting to write something about discernment and detachment.
Before I do, I think I should establish something. The ancient Greeks and (later) the Romans thought that there were four principles by which one must guide their life. If we were asked to examine our society today, the closest equivalent we would have to this are the "Live, Laugh, Love" or "Dream" slogans and tablets we see everywhere. Of course you have heard of "Faith, Hope and Love" but these virtues, while the greatest of all, our not from the ancient Greeks, but from Christianity.
The four great or (as they are typically called; cardinal) virtues acknowledged by the Ancient world were; Prudence, Justice, Fortitude and Temperance.
Prudence is sometimes associated with calculating pragmatism, but a more accurate association of the word is Wisdom. It is a wisdom that discerns the right thing to do in the present moment. It loves the good and sees the good.
What does this have to do with dating, courtship, wooing, betrothing, wedding or breaking up? Well prudence has very much to do with all of those things. The first step towards having a successful relationship with anyone, is knowing yourself. One needs to cultivate the self-knowledge, the understanding of things more important than one's self, and the individual people one interacts with.
"Do I really love this man?"
"Does he really, truly, deeply love me?"
"Do we love each other enough to live together faithfully to each other for the rest of our lives?"
"Do I love him enough and esteem him and trust him enough for him to be the father of my children?"
"Am I happy?" "If I am unhappy, than why am I unhappy?"
"When I am with him, do I feel safe and secure, or frightened and strained and burdened?"
"Do I feel accepted or idolized?"
"Does he see me as I am, or is he projecting his desires and dreams on me to be someone who does not exist?"
These are all things that one has to discern and ask one's self. And if the reality is that as much as the two of you care about each other, you are not good for each other and do not make each other happy, you need to recognize it in yourself, before you make the life-long commitment to marriage.
Moving on, Justice...justice is the virtue by which we render to each what is due to them. In my case of breaking off my engagment, after I realized that neither of us were truly happy or at peace, or were likely to ever make each other happy, another realization followed. It would not have been fair of me to marry him or to go on dating him. It would not have been just to him or to me. "In all things to thine own self be true."
Fortitude is the virtue of holding your own and having the strength to do something difficult because it is the right thing to do. Courage in battle in an example of this to a soldier, discipline in school is a good example for a student. In my case, it was, following upon my two aforementioned realizations, the carrying through of the the terrible, very painful breaking with the man I had thought I was going to marry. I knew that it was the right thing to do though, so beneath the pain, there was peace.
Finally, Temperance is the virtue of restraining or curbing your appetites and passions when they are not in accordance with your reason. Sometimes, after talking constantly to a person for years and betrothing yourself to them, even when you break it off, the temptation is to go on seeing him and try to be daily bosom buddies as you were before. It is an easy temptation because the comfort zone has been established. But the "comfort zone" has now become a "danger zone". Resist the temptation to email or communicate with him every week, or even every month. If you make a break, make it fast and swift. Don't make both you and he suffer needlessly.
