Talk is cheap

"I really like you."

"You are so beautiful."

"You are the sweetest person I have ever met."

"You are such a smart and very pretty girl. You are a good Catholic girl. I am so glad to be around you."

"You are so good and kind and holy and beautiful. You are virtuous and pure-hearted. You are like an angel."

"I love you more than anything in this world, I love you more than life itself. I would give my life for you."


Does any of this sound familiar? If it does, you have probably learned very well, that a lovely, ardent, intelligent young lady (or gentleman) must not believe everything that she hears.

If you are younger, perhaps it would surprise you to know that I have heard every one of these pretty speeches applied to my lowly self, and not from the same man. Five different men came to mind in particular. If you were surprised by that, try this...they will say it to you too.

Before you blush and struggle for breath at the thought of such melodious sounds pummelling your pretty little ears from troves of amorous swains; listen and take to heart what I say...EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THOSE MEN WERE LYING WHEN THEY SAID THAT.

With the exception of "Oh you are so beautiful," which they all said, every single one of those speeches was folly of the first order.

Do not misunderstand me, none of those men thought that they were lying when they said those tender, little nothings. They were lying more to themselves than to me. It is probable that they did not know themselves. None of those fellows were villains, but none were knights that I would marry either.

The man who said that he "really liked and admired me" I dated for a while, because I believed him, but he really did not have any deep, lasting feeling for me at all, and his actions later revealed that.

The man who literally wrote me a sonnet in praise of my virtue and beauty, I never dated because I saw his pretty words for what they were, a passing infatuation and idolization. Besides, I was not remotely attracted to him. It did not take long for him to find himself a new idol. Haha!

The man who amorously said that I was the sweetest girl he had ever met, I did not date because we were not compatible with each other. I am sure if we had dated, however, he would quickly have realized the truth that there are thousands of girls just as kindly and hopefully more so than I.

The man who claimed that he was so proud to be with me because I was so smart and beautiful and a "good Catholic girl" disproved those words by the fact that he never wanted to be near my friends and did not want me to be around his friends.

The man who told me that he loved me more than life itself and would give his life to protect me...I did believe at the time. He thought that it was true at the time too, though I do not see how he could have. His actions revealed the truth eventually though. Really his love only went so far. He loved such as he could love, but he could not even protect me from himself, let alone anything fiercer.

Have you ever heard the old adage, "Actions speak louder than words." That is the moral and the guiding point behind all of these comical, pathetic and sometimes tragic stories.

So what I am trying to warn all of you about is not that you should neccessarily disbelieve them when they all (and they will) shower you with praise or make declarations of love. You are beautiful and wonderful, never forget that. They might even love you in so way or another. One of them might even be the one who will affirm the truth of his words with his actions.

All I am saying is place value on the ACTIONS not the words. Even in an age without the soaring stanzas and sonnets of previous decades, where the height of romantic love speeches is the "You Complete Me" line from Jerry McGuire or a line from a Nora Ephron movie...TALK IS CHEAP. Even though men of this age pretend to have no skill when it comes to opening their mouths and saying something romantic, there is nothing in the world easier to do than to say any of those things quoted at the top of this post.

So should you mistrust them all initially, no. However, as women in particular (men, keep listening) we place great value upon what we hear. That is part of the reason why we are more verbally expressive than men, as a rule. Ears are to a woman what eyes are to a man.
This is a gift from God and nature. All I am saying is, know the possible dowfalls of this and be aware of the "flaw within the system". You remember when you were five and your Mom took you aside and said, "You must not believe everything you hear." This is just a reminder form your friendly neighborhood blogger. If you take heed, it might save you some heartache and annoyance. It did me and would have even more, had I been more attentive to it. If you have been decieved in the past, join the club. It is never too late to place greater reserve upon your favor and credulity.

On Knowing When To Pull Out

Fairly recently, I called off my engagement to a wonderful man. In light of this recent occurance, I thought it fitting to write something about discernment and detachment.

Before I do, I think I should establish something. The ancient Greeks and (later) the Romans thought that there were four principles by which one must guide their life. If we were asked to examine our society today, the closest equivalent we would have to this are the "Live, Laugh, Love" or "Dream" slogans and tablets we see everywhere. Of course you have heard of "Faith, Hope and Love" but these virtues, while the greatest of all, our not from the ancient Greeks, but from Christianity.

The four great or (as they are typically called; cardinal) virtues acknowledged by the Ancient world were; Prudence, Justice, Fortitude and Temperance.

Prudence is sometimes associated with calculating pragmatism, but a more accurate association of the word is Wisdom. It is a wisdom that discerns the right thing to do in the present moment. It loves the good and sees the good.

What does this have to do with dating, courtship, wooing, betrothing, wedding or breaking up? Well prudence has very much to do with all of those things. The first step towards having a successful relationship with anyone, is knowing yourself. One needs to cultivate the self-knowledge, the understanding of things more important than one's self, and the individual people one interacts with.

"Do I really love this man?"
"Does he really, truly, deeply love me?"
"Do we love each other enough to live together faithfully to each other for the rest of our lives?"
"Do I love him enough and esteem him and trust him enough for him to be the father of my children?"
"Am I happy?" "If I am unhappy, than why am I unhappy?"
"When I am with him, do I feel safe and secure, or frightened and strained and burdened?"
"Do I feel accepted or idolized?"
"Does he see me as I am, or is he projecting his desires and dreams on me to be someone who does not exist?"

These are all things that one has to discern and ask one's self. And if the reality is that as much as the two of you care about each other, you are not good for each other and do not make each other happy, you need to recognize it in yourself, before you make the life-long commitment to marriage.

Moving on, Justice...justice is the virtue by which we render to each what is due to them. In my case of breaking off my engagment, after I realized that neither of us were truly happy or at peace, or were likely to ever make each other happy, another realization followed. It would not have been fair of me to marry him or to go on dating him. It would not have been just to him or to me. "In all things to thine own self be true."

Fortitude is the virtue of holding your own and having the strength to do something difficult because it is the right thing to do. Courage in battle in an example of this to a soldier, discipline in school is a good example for a student. In my case, it was, following upon my two aforementioned realizations, the carrying through of the the terrible, very painful breaking with the man I had thought I was going to marry. I knew that it was the right thing to do though, so beneath the pain, there was peace.

Finally, Temperance is the virtue of restraining or curbing your appetites and passions when they are not in accordance with your reason. Sometimes, after talking constantly to a person for years and betrothing yourself to them, even when you break it off, the temptation is to go on seeing him and try to be daily bosom buddies as you were before. It is an easy temptation because the comfort zone has been established. But the "comfort zone" has now become a "danger zone". Resist the temptation to email or communicate with him every week, or even every month. If you make a break, make it fast and swift. Don't make both you and he suffer needlessly.